someone threw a dead crab at me
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
