my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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