why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
