life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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