Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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