Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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