is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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