I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
