we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
