I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize