i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
