bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize