Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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