i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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