im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize