Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize