my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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