Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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