Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
