just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
