My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
