My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
