i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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