Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
