dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
