I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
