Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i drank out of a bidet.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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