I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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