I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
The best revenge is premature balding
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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