just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
