My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
