Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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