Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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