I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
