I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
