also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
