onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
