I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
