Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
