I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
