Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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