now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
