you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
