after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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