I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
