I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
handjob tips. give me some.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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