I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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