hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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