3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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