Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
