btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
