you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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