So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
